


A Chef's Failure

by Wordsdear



Category: One Piece
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-30
Updated: 2017-10-18
Packaged: 2018-12-21 18:40:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11950299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wordsdear/pseuds/Wordsdear
Summary: Stuck in the Florian Triangle, the Straw Hats are slowly running out of food. Set shortly after Thriller Bark





	1. Skin and Bones

**Author's Note:**

> A million thank you's to novicecomcis for looking this over for me.

They were almost out of food. It wasn’t a surprise or an accident. It was just a harsh reality. At least Sanji had caught it early, spotted the signs and not leapt into denial. The fridge wasn’t empty yet, but it was nearly there. With their crew of now nine, they would go through it in a matter of days. Not being able to restock on Thriller Bark as much as he would of liked, had hit their supplies hard. The celebratory feast there was a distant memory now, they had been stuck in the fog for two weeks. Out of bait and even if they had any, the sea appeared to be empty. Instead, there was only fog. The Florian Triangle was merciless. Sanji stared out at the unforgiving mist contemplating his failure as cook. What kind of chef let his crew mates slowly starve to death? Not that anyone was starving yet, but Sanji couldn’t shake the memory of that tiny island and the giant bag filled with treasure. Nami-swan had made sure to stock the Sunny with all the treasure she could get her hands on in Thriller Bark. So half portions all around it was then. Luffy might complain but Sanji had to be sure. They could make it a few more days before they really ran out, and by then the wonderful Nami-swan would of found a way out of this shitty fog. He saw the way she frowned ever so delicately at her log pose, it was still pointing down. Which was less than helpful. He took one last drag of his cigarette before turning and marching into the kitchen. A cook's gotta do what a cook's gotta do.

Sanji lay out the supper fare before his drooling captain. Half portion Cilantro Lime Salmon with a side of rice and green beans. The last of the rice, he could have sworn the empty barrel laughed at him as he scooped out the last few grains. Luffy took one look at his meagre sized fish and turned to Sanji with a scowl on his face, “So it’s mutiny then?”

“If you have a complaint about the food you can take it up with my foot, up your shitty ass. Till we get the chance to restock on Fishman Island, this is what we are going to have to deal with. It is only going to get smaller from here. Which means no stealing other people’s portions Luffy. Got it?” he dotted the hanging question mark by raising his foot pointfully in the air.

Luffy grumbled something unintelligible and emptied his plate into his mouth. There was scrape of a chair on Adam wood, and Brook towered over everyone as he dumped his plate of food onto Luffy’s and walked out without a word.

Sanji was chasing after him in an instant but couldn’t find the shitty skeleton anywhere on deck. He stopped and listened. There it was, faint at first but growing stronger. The sound of the violin. It was a soft sad melody, not Bink’s Sake but still felt familiar. A lullaby maybe? It was coming from the crow’s nest. Sanji made his way up the rigging, grumbling to himself about shitty skeletons and their ability to jump tall masts in a single bound. If he walked in and the skeleton was lifting weights and made a no muscles skull joke he was going to break his shitty boney shins. He kicked open the door to be greeted by Brook’s back. The skeleton seemed to be staring out the bay windows at the fog. The weights were safely on the ground. He felt a cold chill run down his spine as Brook turned to look at him, must be the wind.

 

“Hey shit for bones, what the hell was that all about?”

Brook let the violin fall down to his side.

“Mr Sanji. Forgive me for upsetting you. It was not my intention. I am still new to this crew so I have yet to learn what I should or should not do in certain situations.”

Sanji held up his fingers as he counted it off “Rule one: finish your food. Rule two: eat your own damn food unless you are Luffy. Rule three: defend your food from Luffy with the best of your ability

“Ah, I see I am rule breaker on all accounts. But forgive me Mr Sanji we seem to have a misunderstanding here. Although I do enjoy eating, technically speaking, I don’t really need to. No stomach to fill YOHOHOHOHO" Brook laughed so hard he coughed (Sanji tried not to question it) and added almost as an after thought "skull joke”

“Bull shit. Everyone needs to eat” Sanji wishes he could forget, but Luffy had asked if Brook pooped and apparently he did. So if he poops the poop had to come from somewhere.

Brook let out a sigh, Sanji could hear his ribs rattle. “Mr Sanji you know where I was before I joined the crew, right?”

“Stuck on that shitty boat”

“Exactly. 50 years give or take. What exactly do you think I ate during that time?

Sanji fell silent

“I am sorry Mr Sanji, but I won’t die if I don’t eat. Sure, I may have less energy and it hurts but I won’t die. And I refuse to watch another crew die around me, as I do nothing to help. Till we restock I am not eating. Feel free to spread my share amongst the crew. I ask nothing in return but for the ladies to show me their panti-“

Sanji kicked him so hard he made a skeleton shaped hole in the bay windows. He heard something splinter as the skeleton hit the deck. Last time he checked, there was still some powdered milk in the kitchen. Brook was going to be fine. Sanji might have to hide from Franky for a few days though, windows were expensive.


	2. Emergency Food Supply

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the third week of no food, Sanji takes some drastic measures

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to novicecomcis to look it over for me, I also tried using the hemingway edit thing so who knows lol

The fog hung thick around the Sunny. Part of Chopper wanted to take a stab at it with an ice cream scoop or swirl a stick around to get a fluff of cotton candy. He’d tried taking a bite of the fog back when they first got stuck in it and gotten a mouth full of salt water for his trouble. .As good as it looked, the fog was deadly. Not in the poison mushroom sense, but in the starving to death sense. It was week three since they'd had a solid meal.

Chopper lay on the deck and tried to take in the ship around him. The once grassy deck was now a pile of dirt. Thanks to Franky's forward thinking ingenuity, the lawn was not decorative but wheatgrass. The shots of wheatgrass had given them another week before even that went. Nami’s trees were brown skeletons. Usopp had been the only one dumb or brave enough to ask how much it would cost them but she had waved him off with a sigh. They hadn’t had a drop of rain since entering the Florian Triangle. Franky's desalination equipment, he liked to call them his "trusty balls", had saved them. But no matter how much Franky cursed at his " trusty balls", they couldn’t turn salt water into cola.

Chopper stared at Usopp and Luffy, who a few feet away from him seemed intent on making dirt angels on the deck. He’d join them but the heat and hunger was too much, he couldn’t move an inch. It seemed like the rest of the crew agreed with him, each picking a spot to lie down and wait for the end. Whatever that might be. At the helm Nami alternated between watching the horizon for a break in the fog and her log pose. The later was wishful thinking, on the off chance it might decide to stop pointing straight down. The only thing keeping her on her feet was the wheel. Last time he had seen Robin she had been in the library. Devouring books like their knowledge might fill her stomach. Franky had propped himself up against the railing, and was instructing Brook on how to best clean his balls... desalination orbs. Every now and then he stopped mid sentence to try to blow his limp pompadour out of his face. Brook was silent as he tried to follow Franky's instructions. For the most part, Brook seemed unaffected by the situation, but he did stare out at the fog a little too much. Not that he had eyes, Skull joke. It had been weeks since Brook had made a skull joke, Chopper was starting to miss it. Zoro had retreated to the crow’s nest with his weights. Only for Brook to carry him out as Zoro complained the entire time that he could get down himself. Chopper couldn't help but notice Zoro's legs shook as Brook placed him down. He'd sulked by the mast till he finally fallen asleep on his weights. He hadn’t tried to lift them in the last few days. A sign that this might actually be the end.

As that final thought began to set in, Chopper felt something tap his side. Chopper rolled his head forward, to see Sanji nudging him with his foot

“Oye Chopper, I need to talk to you ”

“Yeah?”

“Not here, in private”

The Sunny might be bigger than the Merry ever was, but the idea of privacy was joke. Chopper sighed and tried to raise his head to glare at Sanji for daring to ask him to move.

“If you want that cream again, go to the infirmary. You know which one, I have prescribed it enough times”

Sanji shook his head, using the secret weapon banned in three islands in the Grand Line, “Please Doctor?”

“Fine, bastard, that doesn’t make me happy at all. What do you want?”

Ignoring the question, Sanji lifted Chopper to his shoulders. How Sanji was still standing, let alone having the strength to carry him around, was anyone’s guess.

Instead of making his way to the infirmary, Sanji made a sharp about face towards the kitchen. Since the wheatgrass had run out, even Sanji had stopped bothering to go in. The empty fridge, and waiting stove gave Chopper the creeps. Sanii ducked through the kitchen door and placed Chopper down on the ground. Laid out in the centre of the kitchen was a large blue tarp, on top of it was Chopper’s medical bag, a bone saw, and Sanji’s knives. He heard somehing click behind him.

“What is this about?” it came out as a squeak

“I need your help Chopper”

It felt wrong. Sanji wasn’t quite on Zoro’s level of avoiding treatment, but Chopper still had to sit on him in Heavy Point to get him to take a break. He was always running off to fetch the perfect little snack for Nami and Robin or diving into a fight, foot first. With a jolt Chopper realized Sanji was on his knees. His hands were on Chopper’s shoulders and he was repeating over and over again

“It has to be you”

Chopper blinked at him. What could only he do? Treat people, but there is only one cure for hunger. What was it that Sanji had called him, back when he first joined the crew? Emergency food supply. So it had finally come to this. Over the last few weeks, a delirious Luffy had tried to eat him twice. The surprise taste testings were always followed by huge puppy dog eye apologies. Chopper couldn't bring himself to hold it against him. Luffy hadn’t brought out a spice rack and asked which one Chopper thought he would go best with. It might hurt but Sanji was a cook, and he was right. It was the only way. If it meant that the crew could keep sailing onwards, that Luffy would become pirate king. It might all be worth it. Chopper would be doing what he could, his part. Only not how he had planned it. He had wanted to be the panacea for the world, not lunch. He had to do his part. Chopper blinked away his tears. He would of liked to have said goodbye to everybody, but he didn’t think he could take all the crying, or drooling.

“Make it quick, please?” and turned into walk point, more meat for your buck.

These were his last words, he might as well make them a good one. If they spared him a thought when they reached Raftel, without drooling, it might all be worth it. Trying to drum up some of Usopp’s courage, he whispered to himself

“A man dies when he is forgotten”

and added in his head, or when he's digested

Sanji stared up at him eyes wide, still kneeling “ What are you talking about? You can’t do surgery in that point, can you?”

Confused Chopper shifted into brain point.

“I thought you wanted to cook-”

“Shit Chopper, I am not going to eat you. What do you take me for?”

“A chef”

“Shit. Not you too” Sanji ran his hands through his hair and let out a sigh.

“Chopper, I need you to cut off my right leg.” his voice sounded the same as always, like he was asking Chopper to pass him the salt.

“What? But you can’t-”

“Trust me, getting kicked in the face by a peg leg hurts as much as a foot, more even. I mean shit, between you and the cyborg you can whip me up a new leg, easy. Paint the whole thing black and I'll really be black leg Sanji.”

Chopper stared at him

“Don’t look at me like that. If you cut the nerves clean enough I am sure it is possible. It is why I asked you and not moss for brains. Knowing him he would try to one up me by cutting off both his legs.”

“So Zoro isn’t allowed to, and I’m not, but you are?”

“Zoro had his turn alrea- I mean the man’s made of moss he must taste like shit. As for you, you’re our Doctor, we can’t afford to lose you”

“Bastard, but you’re our cook”

“I can cook without legs. On the off chance anything goes wrong, Luffy can always find a new cook”

Chopper slapped him. Slapping with hooves is easier said than done, so he stabbed Sanji’s cheek with his hoof instead.

“Luffy- no, none of us would ever accept that ”

Ignoring him, Sanji rose to his feet and walked to the middle of the room to grab the bone saw

“Like you said, let’s make this quick”

‘I haven’t agreed to anything yet. I am not going to cut off your leg without any anesthesia, are you out of your mind?”

“We don’t have time for that”

As if on cue there was a pounding on the kitchen door

“Saaanjiii, why are you in the kitchen. Did you find food? Meeeeeaaatttttt?!!??” Luffy’s whining voice echoed through out the empty kitchen. He must of seen them go in and in his delirious state decided they were eating without him.

Sanji yelled back “In a minute Luffy!” Chopper couldn’t tell if that was pure instinct or if Sanji meant it. How fast can you fry your own leg?

Sanji held the saw out to him.

“I would try it myself, but the pain might make me pass out. I don’t want to bleed to death.”

Chopper stared at it. With his stomach trying to eat itself he couldn't see straight, let alone think straight. There was a large pounding in the back of his head, or was it the door? Usopp’s voice joined Luffy’s, his voice carrying a hint of panic

“Chopper, are you in there too? Is everything alright?”

“It is only a matter of time before they break down the door. I’ll buy you a whole cotton candy machine once we get out of here. So what do you say, Doctor?”

Chopper shook his head “Call me Doctor all you want bastard, I’m not doing it”

Sanji sighed and sat down on the tarp. Rolling up his pant leg with one hand, he raised the saw into the air with the other.

“You know what to do to stop the bleeding, right Doc?”

The pounding became even louder, by now Chopper could tell it wasn’t only in his head. The door was shaking with each loud thud

“FOOOOOOODDDDDD” Luffy screamed

Was Luffy Gum Gum gatling the door? The whole wall began to shake, but the Adam wood stayed firm. He owed Franky a cola when all this is over, or he might pour any future colas off the side of the ship.

The thudding stopped for a moment and this time Usopp screamed

“OPEN THE DOOR OPEN THE DOOR!”

And the thudding began again, at the door but also on the portholes on the starboard wall. The opposite side. The whole room shook. Chopper dared to look out the window and only saw silver, not the fog but shiny shiny silver. He looked over at Sanji who had dropped the saw, or the shaking had knocked it from his grip. He was staring at the windows as well, his mouth hanging open. Coming back to his senses, Sanji marched to the door, flipped the lock and yanked it open.

“What did you little shits-DOFICKOHFBCLIUGCW”

Sanji fell backwards clutching at his face.

“Quick someone call a Doctor!” Chopper squealed as he ran over to Sanji. Before he could even begin to say 'wait, I am a Doctor', he was also struck. Blinking to clear his vision, he stared at the flopping silver fish that was his assailant. From its silver body sprouted scaly wings.

“SAANJIII FIIISSSSSHHHHHH”

“Luffy don’t eat raw fish! Sanji quick, do something!” Usopp shrieked, chasing after the laughing Luffy.

Their captain was dancing around the deck, his mouth wide trying to catch every fish he could.

From the floor, Sanji lit a cigarette and brought it to his lips. He took a deep breath in and then blew out a cloud of smoke 

 

“Some flying sushi isn’t going to kill him. What we need to do is get the nets and gather as many of these shitty fish as we can. Before our Captain eats them all”

Usopp nodded in agreement. He stopped with a jolt as he stared past Sanji, to the teary eyed Chopper still standing in the kitchen doorway.

“Chopper are you okay?” and looking beyond Chopper, he saw the tarp and its contents.

Chopper had never seen Usopp move so fast. One second he was chasing Luffy, the next he had Sanji by the tie

“What do you think you're doing? Did I miss the memo that venison was on the menu? I know you joke about emergency food supply but this? Isn’t there some kind of chef’s code, thou shalt not eat your crew mates?”

He shouldn’t of said that last bit. Sanji kicked out and Usopp slid in the fish piling up on the deck. Usopp fought to keep on his feet but flopped to the ground instead.

“What was that for? Are Chopper and the fish not enough for you? I'm not going to be desert, damn it!”

"Dessert?"

All the yelling had finally managed to attract Luffy’s attention. In one glance he took in Sanji's his rolled up pant leg, the wide eyed Chopper, and the bone saw lying on the floor.

“Hey Sanji, just cause the old guy on the restaurant has a peg leg doesn’t mean you have to get one. Wait can I get a peg leg too?”

“What are you idiots doing? Catch those fish!” Nami had appeared dragging Zoro behind her. In the ensuing chaos, the kitchen incident was forgotten, for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess this kind of has a different feel then the first chapter but this idea actually came first :p

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally supposed to be a Sanji and Chopper fic with the Brook bit mentioned off handedly but I had to write it


End file.
